Lately my life has been feeling so bleh. Very midlife crisis like.
I don’t know if you’ve been there but it’s like a never ending cycle of Monday blues except in the scenario every day feels like a Monday.
I feel like I’ve been on auto pilot and I am now beginning to toss and turn to wake up.
Let’s start with my job.
I used to be excited to get there, I used to love my team and laugh and genuinely have a good time but now it’s like I dread it a little bit.
Every day I need to push myself a little too hard to get hyped up about going to work.
Some days are better than others, but it’s like the feeling came out of nowhere.
Maybe it’s because it’s been five years and I’m questioning why I’ve been there so long.
I really started working there as a baby straight from college. I thought I was going to work there maybe a year or two and then BAM! Here we are.
It’s not that I completely HATE it.
This feels like the anger stage of midlife crisis.
I feel moody, grumpy, and snappy at work. I am not handling stress very effectively.
But from those feelings stems a growing seed of a thought where I’m realizing that the place I’m at is not really aligning to what I truly want to do.
I want to be helping people.
In a way, we currently do and it does feel great to help small businesses launch their online presence, but I feel like I could be doing more.
Like I need to be part of an organization who’s sole purpose is to help others.
I’m considering switching to a non-profit sector.
My mind is crazy busy overthinking about it all.
My negative Nelly thoughts are fighting my positive Penny thoughts.
“Help people? You barely volunteer as it is now. What makes you think you can help people.”
vs
“You would be great at helping people! There’s a kind and empathetic quality about you waiting to be fully unleashed on the world.”
If it were only that easy to truly figure out what it is you want to dedicate to.
I don’t understand why we ask this of high schoolers and college students.
I feel like I haven’t unlocked my “why” yet because I’ve been to busy going with the flow and drowning in the conformity of every day life.
Let’s talk about self love.
I’ve always struggled with this because (honestly do I really have to explain what the media and society asks of a woman??) everything around me told me that I was not good enough.
As a teen I went through the whole I hate my body phase and now I’ve learned to accept myself they way I am.
But that doesn’t mean that I don’t get extremely self conscious now and then.
As I got older and pretty much recently, it’s not really “I hate how I look” but more “I hate how I am.”
And honestly it feels a lot worse and harder to fight off.
I’ve been feeling very vulnerable and very critical of myself.
I’ve been feeling very mediocre. (very scary yet relieving to put it out there.)
And it’s not because anybody has told me I am or anything like that it’s just that I feel like I have not reached my full potential and even worse…I’ve done nothing to move towards it.
I’ve began to consume lots of personal development content and that is helping me snap out of my current state of mind and try to reach for more.
There’s such inspiration out there from people all over the world that dedicate their lives to their “why” and that know exactly what they want and they actually DO everything it takes to get it.
I heard a beautiful and deep quote today,
“A ship in harbor is safe — but that is not what ships are built for.” — John A. Shedd.
And it hit me hard because I feel like that is my current situation.
It was like a midlife crisis epiphany.
Although I am not currently enjoying my job and my life habits to the fullest they are my harbor.
I feel safe because I am not taking any risks or any chances.
But you know what that means?
That means I’m NOT TAKING ANY RISKS OR ANY CHANCES.
Which means my possibility of personal development or career development are zero, zilch, nada if I don’t reach for more.
I AM MADE FOR MORE.
In my heart I feel like there is something else I’m supposed to be doing but I haven’t figured out what exactly and that is my current issue.
How did YOU find your why? How long did it take you to find it?